Dear brothers and sisters,

may God bless you all. I introduce myself here, I have been searching the net for a Christian forum where to post this request. I write from Europe and please forgive me if I make mistakes in writing in English. I apologize for being long, but my story is complicated, and maybe I need advices and not simply prayers. I am a separated woman of 40. My separation happened 4 yrs ago and it was painful. I have made big mistakes and I have suffered a whole lot. Now I live alone with my youngest child who is 7. Money is tight. Loneliness is difficult to bear. I went back to the church three months ago ( I accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour ten years ago. But life made me abandon the church. I have fully paid this choice, with an incredible amount of mistakes and suffering) and I am trying my best to put things right. But I am full of wounds and the last one has been the final straw. While writing I am crying my eyes out. I am still new to the church even if I attend it regularly three times a week. But I confided just in one sister or two. In moments like now, when the pain seems to literally eat my heart, I feel desperately alone. I need the support of my brothers and sisters. I am frail, I do not want to do other mistakes because of my weakness and disappoint again the Lord.
This is my last wound.
About one year ago, I meet this man. I was out of a very particular situation-another wound. He knew it. He was separated like me, two children, like me, he seemed to look for a serious commitment in a relationship, like me. It was beautiful. He had a sort of a rush in doing things: he wanted to meet our children, he gave me a ring, he phoned three times a day, he seemed so in love. I needed so much to love and be loved, I felt so happy! He worked as a ....I do not know the word, he is an informatic, he follows the servers of big forms here. Last Christmas he told me: your PC is old, give it to me so I enlarge your memory and I put some music in it. I said okay, of course. A bit after that,his temper tantrums started, apparently with no reason. He started not answering the phone for three days if I said a word "not opportune". He scolded me violently in front of the children ( we did not live together but we saw each other often) because I spilled some wine or I did not cook properly, or because I did not wash properly the dishes in his opinion. He sent me to do the shopping in his town ( which was a different one from mine) but I got lost and he scolded me. But it was not my town, it was a big town and is not so easy by car without gps.He was jealous of people who did not mean anything to me. I was already in love and I tried my best to save the relationship. It gave him the occasion to humiliate me in many different ways. I am ashamed of many things I did. I have been so stupid. After the last row, I had an illumination( I already suspected that). I brought my PC to a technical and he found TWO differet kinds of spyware, two programs for spying everything on my pc : the first one which sent somewhere by mail everything I digitated on the keyboard, and a second one to send any document in the documents section.
I went to confront him with the report in my hands. I felt so weak and sad, i was not able to drive but I went. I told him: you have two children like me! I do not want to report you to the police, explain this to me, apologize, reassure me you will not use these information and it will be enough for me. He laughed in my face. He told me I was crazy, he told me I was a weak and confused person and that I pretended to be christian but I did not know who I was and what to choose. He shouted "Do you understand or not that I do not care anything about you! You mean nothing to me!"
I went home in tears. I was in a sort of blackout for two weeks. Then my brother warned me against not reporting him. In fact there was an incredible amount of sensible info about my whole life in the pc: my diary, my emails. He had the password of the bank, of the phone, of the emails, of MSN. Everything.
I felt completely betrayed and in the same time so guilty. I thought it was my fault, that clearly he was right in putting me under control because I was unreliable and I demostrated it, that clearly I had disgusted him or something I had written. But I also suffered so much and I understood I could not stay without the Lord anymore. I was really like the prodigal son, I had been eating the food of pigs for too long. I went back to the church and asked the pastor what to do. He advised me to report him to the police which I did.
But I still wonder: was it my fault? Why have I been rejected so much? It must be beacuse of me. Have I lost the only true love of my life? Why do I miss him so much even if he was cruel to me? Am I no more able to reason properly? I feel so sad. So wounded. So alone. I am trying my best to put the Lord first. I have been asking Him : please do me justice. You are my justice. Will He listen to me? Will He answer me? I feel so alone and so betrayed and so sad. Please pray if you can. Thank you..................

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Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4-8)

I'm speaking to you as someone who has been treated like this before, I was sixteen when my boyfriend at the time treated me the same way, it went from spying on me and being jealous to making me think i was crazy and then he started being violent to me and it turned into a nightmare i was too afraid to escape or let anyone know about. He finally moved states and i never saw him again. you were so brave to call the police and NONE of it was your fault, it took me years to figure that out. Everyone deserves to be treated well, it takes time to find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated and trust me good people are out there God will lead you to them. Don't dispair, God is with you you're not alone and you deserve good people in your life, dont ever short yourself. I'll be keeping you in my prayers...

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2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

you are not the one who was being stupid...your boyfriend was wrong... you did not deserve to be treated the way he treated you.. you are perfectly normal for missing him even if he was mean, you loved him and expected him to love you back and you are the same as the rest of us..anyone would be hurting if they are rejected by someone we love.. you did not need to be controlled just because you made a few normal human mistakes.. do not except anything he said as the truth.. you have value,you deserve to be loved...thank god for calling you back to god's side and cry out to him in your pain and he will hear you and he will lift you up..there are many men who would want to love you and care for you and not hurt you or make you feel dumb.. hang in there and follow god with your whole heart and he will make your path straight..

I agree. Remember that GOD IS ON YOUR SIDE. You are made in his image and a new person because of him. My dear sister in Christ... listen to the Holy Spirit , and read the word of God. Abide in him through praise and he will lift you up. I know what it is to be rejected, dismissed, and hated by the love of your life. I too strugle with the storm I am in. But God is with us always. You have done the right thing to go to the police. If you have not done so already you need to change all of your passwords. It ok for you to protect yourself from bad behavior. I will pray that God leads you in this matter and surrounds you with wise counsel. **Heavenly Father , be with this woman. Comfort her in this storm and calm the sea around her. Lord protect her from wolf in sheeps clothing. Surround her with godly people and support from the church. Lord I pray that you will heal the broken pieces of her heart and comfort her. In the name of Jesus, amen. ***

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It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8

They that sow in tears shall reap joy. [Psalms 126:5].

Thank you all, really. You cannot imagine how important is for me to read your words and feel your affection. I am trying my best to struggle. I have contacted my psychoterhapist, as for the job I do I cannot take medicines and I have to avoid to fall in a major depression. I pray and struggle so much in front of the Lord. But if only I could describe the pain I have inside......many times I think bad thoughts and it is difificult to reach the end of any day. I know I may sound so childish, after all I am crying only because of a "bad boyfriend". But it was simply the last of an apparently endless list of wounds. My life and my heart are in pieces. I go around, I go to school, I care for my child with my mask on but the tears are always in my throat.

Please if you can ask the Lord of not making me wait too long. I ma not able to wait too long. I ma not joking...May God bless you alla abundantly for your kind heart. I hug you all.

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Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4-8)

Honey, don't feel weak, you are reacting to this situation the same way alot of people do, including myself, and its normal. I know its hard to get up in the morning and face the day, but we are so lucky to be able to wake up every morning. Keep focusing on the positive, even when your feeling bad, remind yourself of something good that happened that day, even if its simple like the weather was nice or take a walk and see how beautiful life is. I know its hard, hang in there, it WILL get better, thats a promise. I am praying for you!! Keep God in your heart, your not alone in the least bit.