Heavenly Father thank-you for continuing your work in this marriage. I lift up Kweig and Tom to you and ask that you would bless them. Give them a spirit of understanding of each other and let the things you have done in their marriage be a testimony to others about you. Lord help Tom and deepen his love for you and his wife. In Jesus name , Amen.

I WROTE THE FOLLOWING PRAYER EARLIER TODAY! I CONSIDERED WHETHER TO DELETE IT, AS I DO NOT FEEL THIS WAY NOW. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO AIR MY HURTS, WITHOUT SAYING IT TO MY HUSBAND. IT HELPS TO GET THINGS OFF OF MY CHEST! I WANT TO LET THIS GO, AND SOMETIMES JUST EXPRESSING IT TO YOUR FRIENDS, HELPS TO DO THIS. I HOPE EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS. THANKS FOR BEING AN EAR. I AM BLESSED TO HAVE FRIENDS LIKE YOU! SINCERELY, KWEIG!!!


Thanks so much for your prayers, and thoughts Brokenheart. I have been thinking about moving to be with my husband. I thought... What if he just continues being insensitive? What if I cannot keep my mouth shut, and give Tom time to feel guilty for his actions, or words? This is so hard to do, as there is hurt, and pain behind all this. I know that I forgive him for the past, as I know that I do not care that it has happened before. I just don't want it to happen in the future.

The first time he left, we were apart for 1 yr. I was going on with my life, and then he came back. He apologized, and I did not hold it against him. The second time we were married, and he did come back, as I told him that I would only wait until a certain date, and then I was going on with my life. Because he came back under pressure, he was not ready to put it all in, and go from there. He was giving me signs that it was not a forever thing, that he was just seeing if he wanted me, or not. When he left this time, I was again beginning to move on with my life. He called me, and asked to see me. Once again, here I go.

If he does not want to be with me forever, why does he keep coming back? I think it is because he knows that i'm a forever person, and he does not have to worry about where he stands with me!!! He told me that he came back because it was very difficult to meet someone who you could trust, and trust deeply!!! If this is true, that it is important for him to have this trust, then why can't he make me feel insecure in our relationship, and stop threateng to leave, just because he is not getting his way? Why did he not consider the pain he was causing me when he's tearing me up, and he did this by throwing up signs that he was not "all in" this relationship. *When I make decisions about how i'm interacting with people, one of the things I consider is, how would I feel if this, or that was happening to me? Why does he not do this? Why does not everyone ask themselves, how is what i'm doing going to affect the other person?

In the present, I do believe that Tom is truly trying, and wants to be with me. I do believe, that in his mind, he intends to make it work. Having said that... I also believe that he is an unhealthy person within himself, and that he cannot (or at least has not) been able to control himself, and has been outright mean, in the past. A preacher once preached this sermon. He said that when he was 1st married, he was unhealthy, and had deliberately chosen someone he could severely control. He said that his wife was was weak in spirit, and unhealthy in the way that she picked someone who controled her. (She was not strong enough to stand up to her husband.) As time went on she became more healthy, and begin to lovingly try to get him to change this. He said that he eventially came to a "Y" in the road, and had to decide: #1 Do I want to continue hurting her, and controling her? #2 Do I want to change, and quit controling her? #3 Or, do I want to leave, and find someone else to control? I really pray that Tom has reached this "y", and is ready to start doing the work that he needs to on himself! I do not expect him to be perfect, and do everything right. I just need to see improvements along the way, and a willingness to quit disregarding my feelings! I need him to quit controling me.

The question that I would like the answer to is: When we get back together, is Tom ever going to be able to strive to get healthier as a person, or am I always going to be doing all the work in the marriage, and making all the compromises so that he won't leave? Am I going to have to do this so that he's, what he considers happy? He has in the past told me that I want things to be my way, and I said that I didn't. I had told him that if we were to do the thing exactly like I wanted it, this in itself would not make me happy, as if he was not happy with the decision, then I would not be happy because of that!!! I told him that I just wanted him to compromise so that both of us were happy!!! I have lovingly tried to gingerly get him to compromise.

Dear Heartbroken, If I remember right, your a guy, is there something that I need to know that i'm just not getting, because men, and women think differently? Am I doing something wrong that I don't see? I know that sometimes I do tell him when he's hurting me, and maybe I don't give him time enough to make any changes, as he has told me so! This all comes from the hurt, and the fear that things will go south, as in the past!!!

Anyways, please everyone just keep me in your prayers. I really hope that our marriage works, as I do love Tom. I just don't want to get hurt again, and be made out to look like a fool!!! Pray that Tom is serious, and is going to get healthy, and makes good choices!!! Pray that I will be given the patience to deal with the situations that arise, and if I'm at fault, that the Lord brings this to light!!!

Dear Kweig,

You wrote:
“The question that I would like the answer to is: When we get back together, is Tom ever going to be able to strive to get healthier as a person, or am I always going to be doing all the work in the marriage, and making all the compromises so that he won't leave? Am I going to have to do this so that he's, what he considers happy? He has in the past told me that I want things to be my way, and I said that I didn't. I had told him that if we were to do the thing exactly like I wanted it, this in itself would not make me happy, as if he was not happy with the decision, then I would not be happy because of that!!! I told him that I just wanted him to compromise so that both of us were happy!!! I have lovingly tried to gingerly get him to compromise.

Dear Heartbroken, If I remember right, your a guy, is there something that I need to know that i'm just not getting, because men, and women think differently? Am I doing something wrong that I don't see? I know that sometimes I do tell him when he's hurting me, and maybe I don't give him time enough to make any changes, as he has told me so! This all comes from the hurt, and the fear that things will go south, as in the past!!!”


You and Tom are in my prayers. I have read some of the past blog entries and can only give Praise to God for the work he is doing in your life. As for your questions I’ll do my best and would like to send you an e-book which may help you better understand some of what I am trying to say.

Only God and Tom know if he is going to be willing to work on being a “healthier person”. The fact is that it is very difficult for anyone, male or female to look at their faults and try to change. While it may be that one person has to take the initiative at first, at some point Tom has to step up to the plate. A marriage where one person is making all of the compromises for the other person’s happiness is not healthy and will build resentment. You are right in trying to encourage him, but ultimately the decision is his. Don’t try to manipulate him into compromise. We can not be responsible for another person’s happiness.

As far as Men and Women thinking different and what you are missing: I wish I had the answer to that, you are right we think different. In fact not all men think in the same way. Some are more reserved, some more controlling, some walking in selfishness, others in humility. In general I think that Men are more likely to be problem solvers and approach things in that way. We often times don’t hear what our wife is saying unless we are made to listen by circumstance. In other words: I didn’t hear my wife or her un-happiness with our marriage until she said it was over. I had no idea that it was that serious. She too spent her time making compromises, not speaking up, and allowing the wall to be built between us. All to “keep the peace”

It is possible that there are control conflict issues in your relationship with Tom. I am listening to a CD series on this subject and am getting a lot out of it. It is for both controlling and being controlled spouses, and is by the same author as the e-book I’ll send you. I only say this because it is something I have been accused of and again had no idea of it being a factor in our marriage until I started really looking at myself. You may also be dealing with self esteem issues that cause you to over analyze and worry about things that may not happen and you have no control over. I constantly have to remind myself that God, not me, is in control.

I don’t have the answers, but I am getting a lot out of the following resources:

The Bible, by well….. GOD
Desperate Marriages, by Gary Chapman
Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas
Keep your marriage, by Nancy Wasson, Phd
Overcome Control Conflict with your spouse or partner, by Nancy Wasson, Phd

I will continue to lift you up in prayer. Thank-you for praying for us, I think that she is slowly starting to open her heart to forgiveness and is at least talking to me without hate. Still a long way to go, but I am trusting in the Lord.



**Father I lift up Kweig and Tom to you. I ask that you would give them peace in the middle of this storm. Lord you are in control and only you can cause us to truely change. I pray that you would give Kweig and Tom both the desire to look at themselves through your eyes. That they would allow you to mold them into the person pleases you and in doing so, becomeing the partner that their spouse needs. Amen

Dear Brokenhearted, thanks for your response to my post. I will seriously consider what you had to say. I think that there is some truth to the self esteem issues. I do think that i'm pretty, and I do believe that I am worth while in a relationship, but I also tend to be with people who need help. I believe that this comes from my past hurts, and the fact that I do not want anyone to suffer any hurts. I think that I am somehow making myself feel better, through other helping others, and when the scales tip to me not getting my needs fulfilled this is hurtful to me. (I am so busy making sure that everyone else is taken care of, that other people capitalize on my kindness, and sometimes take advantage of me!)

This is what I believe happened: I gave, and my husband took. Now I am faced with the dilema of is my husband going to be able to even this out, and quit being a taker. I believe that he is a taker, as when he was a child he was not given healthy loving parents. I believe he was loved with conditions of as long as you do this, or that. Also, he has trust issues as a result of the people who should have loved him unconditionally, didn't. Now he beleaves that you are only in love, as long as you are completely happy, and when hard times come, you are not in love anymore. This is what I believe that I am up against! I have told him this, and i'm praying that he will seriously consider what I have told him! I believe he has abandoment, and trust issues!

This is also why he is a taker, as he was forced to fin for himself at a young age, and now he is still in the mode of watching out for himself, and doing for himself. He does a good job of balancing the giving, and taking while things are good. But, in hard times he becomes a taker. I understand all this, and constantly consider this when he does things that hurt me. But, when the scales tip to where he is totally disregarding my feeling, my wants, and my needs, I just can't take it!

I am praying that because I have explained all this to him, that he will begin to seriously take a look at himself. I am praying that, if I bring this to light in the future, that he will be strong enough to dig down deep inside. I pray that he will look at what he is doing, and consider what he has in me, and that this will be enough to make him make the changes. I pray that he considers that i'm a forever person, and someone he can trust. I pray that this will win over his past, and his unhealthiness!!! I just need to be loved, and not just when, things are good for him! I pray that i'm able to find a delicate balance of getting my needs met, without pushing his buttons. I pray that I be able to learn how to quit giving unhealthily to others! I pray that I will be ab;e to free myself from my past hurts so that I do not continue to be unhealthey. I pray that I will be able to completely forgive, and that all the hurts will be kept in the past where they belong. Keep praying for us!!!Thanks!!! Sincerely, kweig!

Boy do I understand the one sided issues from a partner that you described. I was married to an Assemblies of God Minister's Baby boy. As an adult I couldn't understand his selfishness in all things. Everything was about him.
The Lord opened my eyes to the reasons. Don never wanted for anything as a child. The lord blessed his family in all matters through his father's ministry. The church provided all his needs from shelter, food, clothing, entertainment,ect. His money was for anything he wanted to blow it on. In our marriage he continued to do this. I found out that grocery and rent checks were bouncing because he bought a boat and motorcycle and had them hid at his friends house. He even went so far as to tell his children that it was the grocery stores fault he couldn't provide for them because they wanted to much money and he needed it for gas to go on a fishing trip with his friends. This is so deep in some men that It will indeed take and act of God to cleanse them. Once our minister asked him if he was ready to turn his life over to God for the money problems we were having and he said, I guess I don't have a choice, and walked out of the room. (He was expecting our pastor to hand him a check to solve our problems.) Even then he didn't understand that he had been riding on his father's coat tail for all those years and it was time to make his own decisions to follow God. Oh well, I said all this to let you know I understand the frustration, but on the other hand I understand the healing in his spirit that can only come from God. I pray in the name of Jesus that you call things as they are and let him know that his needs are not above the will of God, that he be a true and faithfull husband in the valleys and on the mountain top. Love you in the lord and praise God he is training you up in the way you should go. To God be the Glory and let everyone proclaim ALL IS WELL. Amen.

Dear Sandra, I thank you for your response to my post. It is helpful to read that others are in agreement with what I am saying. As in the past my husband would absolutely refuse to take responsibility for anything, and he would force me to keep quiet by getting angry if I said anything about it. (He called it fighting, if I tried to talk about anything he did wrong!)

Recently he has began to accept responsibility, and he has done so during our nightly prayers to God. He asks God to help me to forgive him of this, or that! But, he still has a problem with me bringing up any of the things that he did wrong. I do not want to hold anything against him, and I always try to reassure him that I am only talking about it to make sure that he will not do it again, and I am trying to fully heal from it.

Anyway, I am just concerned that he is just going to keep disregarding my feelings, and being mean, and He will expect me to never talk about it. (Just let him do it!) I do see some changes, but we are not living together, which makes it easy to avoid doing things wrong! He is a weak person inside. He can not handle much! He has a lot of chips on his shoulder's. He uses these to get his way (or at least I believe that he does.) I have wondered in the past about how much of what he does, is done out of ignorance, and how much is done deliberately just to ensure he gets his way!!! If he is doing it deliberately, I think that this is one of the meanest things that you can do to someone!!! I mean when a person does the following: They deliberately, and intentionally continue doing what they are doing out of wanting to get their way, and with the knowlege that they are beating someone up in the process! Also forcing someone to be silent about it, from fear that they may leave, or could possibly leave!!! I don't know how someone can take advantage of someone, knowing that this person loves them unconditionally, and is only trying to get the other person to do right!!!

Who knows: Maybe this is why he used to get mad... because I was making him feel guilty, and this is something that he didn't want to feel for whatever reason!!! Keep praying for us. You are a great Sister in the Lord, and bless you for your comments, and your ear for hearing what I have to say!!!

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you and praise you for all the many blessings you bestow on us continuously. We come to you Father asking for blessings on Kweig's marriage. We ask that you heal any hurt that has been done and we ask that you soften Tom's heart and allow him to deal with the pain he has caused. Show him how to right the wrongs and welcome Kweig back into his life and heart. We know, Father , how hard marriage is , and that sometimes it is easier to just give up and walk away. We know this is not your plan for marriage. We know that you will continue to bless her marriage as well as all the other torn marriages spoken about here on the board. I have seen your mighty power ,through my own marriage and I ask Father that you bless this marriage as you have mine. We love you, Father , and promise to give you the glory for it all!AMEN!!

Thank you for your prayers "looking2God". I am happy with our progress with our talks. Sometimes, I just need to vent some of my hurts, and sometimes I just need someone to say: it is going to be OK. I gave Tom to the Lord, and maybe I just need to trust that the Lord is going to take care of it! I had put my whole heart into this marriage, and this is why I was able to get so hurt in the first place! Lord, please help me to just trust you!!! I don't want to doubt you, and live in fear of my husband. Please help my husband to do the things he needs to in order for me to fully heal!!! I pray this in the name of Jesus, Amen!!!

Dearest Kweig,
The Scripts that confirm that your last post is right on are:James 1:2-8 You are truely speaking his will.

Count it all JOY, my brethern, when ye fall into manifold temptations; Knowing that the proving of your faith worketh patience. And let patience have IT'S perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, lacking in nothing.
But if any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who giveth to all liberally and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
But let him ask in faith, nothing doubting; for he that doubteth is like the surge of the sea driven by the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord; a doubleminded man is unstable in all his ways.
Stay in his JOY this day and forever.
Father God, I ask you to send your holy spirit to Kweig with a miracle working power of faith. Cover her grief with the blood of Jesus and replace it with joy and thanksgiving for all your wonderful loving kindness. I rebuke any doubt of any kind to enter into her world. I command in the name of Jesus that the spirit of self importance in her husband be banished and replaced with concern for others. Father, you know the heart of your Children. Guard and protect Kweig and her family this day in all matters. In the name of Jesus "ALL IS WELL". Amen