 Email from a Friend
I just received an email from a friend who is doing a Discipleship Training School (DTS) through Youth With A Mission (YWAM) in Cambodia. He's been struggling to hear from God since he went over there. Last night, however, he had a revelation. Here is what he wrote to me.
For the last few weeks I had been getting more and more frustrated.
Culture shock was taking it's tole. It is frustrating not being able to
communicate. It is frustrating not being fully comfortable with all the
cultural differences. It is frustrating living with 22 guys, 2
bathrooms, and a sporadic water supply. There are many things here that
can be quite frustrating. The worst was the growing feeling that I was
failing as a missionary here. I constantly felt like I should be doing
more whether that meant more Khmai language study, more time with God,
more outreach to the community, more building relationships with fellow
students or whatever. I always feel like I should be doing more.
Really it is a feeling that I have had for most of my life. So
frustration was setting in heavier and heavier.
Last week the lesson was called Plumbline. It was mostly a huge group
counseling session. We learned about how pain we have experienced in
the past and the ways we have learned to deal with that pain taints all
of our relationships - with God and with others. This week provided
huge breakthroughs for a lot of the students who grew up in abusive
family situations or had lived "steiu" lives (drugs, alcohol,
prostitues). For me it wasn't quite so dramatic since I have had such a
blessed life. This was another source of frustration honestly. I had
been having a really rough time in my relationship with God and I wasn't
finding any answers while everyone else was. Then, on Wednesday, the
teacher taught about the story of the Prodigal Son. He talked about how
the younger son asked his father for his inheritance. The father then
divided up the inheritance between the two sons and gave it to him. The
son then left and wasted all the money and came back and the Father
welcomed him again with open arms no matter what he had done. Then the
teacher talked about the older son. He had spent the whole time working
hard out in the field to try and earn his inheritance. When he came and
complained to his father the father just said "Don't you know that all
that I have is already yours?" The father had divided the inheritance
at the beginning. The son was working so hard to try and earn something
he already possessed. That really hit me.
I have never thought I struggled with trying to work too hard. I have
looked at people who have admitted that they struggle with striving in
the past and have seen all the things that they always have done and
thought "well, I don't do all that much so I must not have that
problem". I have begun to realize that my problem is that I always
have this nagging feeling that I should be doing more. I feel like I am
failing to live up to the potential I have been given. I have never
realized that those thoughts were a problem because doing more is
usually a good thing. The result is that the more I feel like that the
less motivation I have to actually do anything because I am already
failing... might as well just stay there... probably can't catch up now.
When the teacher told the story of the older son I began to realize that
the whole feeling of condemnation that I should be doing more is really
a form of working for an inheritance that I already possess. I already
have salvation - I don't have to earn it.
This week the teaching has been on Holiness. The main point has been
that Holiness is not something that we do but something that God already
did. All of our good works are a rotten stench before God. None of
them contribute to my holiness before God. My holiness before God is
only because He has imputed it to me. He has declared me to be
righteous (justified me) totally apart from any righteousness I may have
in life (which in the grand scheme is ZERO). Therefore he looks at me
as sees RIGHTEOUS whether I study Khmai or spend time reading my bible
or do outreach to the community or sleep all day or eat too much or tell
900 people about Jesus or punch an old lady (um... I'll just leave that
there to make my point and not go into why that is a bad idea...). When
I started to realize that God likes me just as much no matter what I do
I started to think about why I am here. God sent me to Cambodia just
because he loves me and wants to give me an opportunity to participate
with Him in His work. NOT because He has something that He wants me to
do here and will be disappointed if I don't do it well. That thought
was incredibly freeing. He likes me the same no matter what I do. As
that thought has been fomenting in my mind today I have begun to have
more motivation than ever to do God's work here. I am actually excited
to tell people about this awesome God who justifies the ungodly. The
more confident I become in how God feels about me the less I have to
think about myself and what I should be doing at all and the more I can
think about other people and their needs and how I can help meet them.
It is really exciting. Another side of it is another point that our
teacher made. He said "You can't give away something you don't have."
If we don't really understand God's love for us then we can't pass it on
to other people. Up to this point I have been struggling with just not
caring. Now I am starting to see why. I have been so focused on myself
and my situation I haven't been able to feel God's love or love other
people. I could go on and on... but I will spare you.  | 
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