 Need Prayer
God has given me so much, he has always taken what seemed like a hopeless situation and turned it around and made it an opportunity. He did that when my world fell apart. My son’s father left us and soon after I lost my job. I was living off of child support and state aid. My son’s father called one day and said he wasn’t paying any more. I had two weeks to pack, find a place to live, and move. It happened like it always does. It always comes out ok.
When I started getting state aid I was told I could go to school. This was a dream for me and I just graduated with an associate in art. I tried hard to stay focused and not let the devil trip me. I tripped a little when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis after my fist year. But after I got back on my emotional feet I went back. I have done my best to not let anything even romantic relationships get in the way of getting this education. For the past six months I have prayed that god bring a man into my life that would love and respect me enough to marry me and a man I could share my faith with. I knew after I made that pray the man I had been seeing for a couple years was not that man and I ended it with him. It is has not been easy because at the same time I felt a need to stay abstinent which if you knew me you would know how big a deal that is. It has been freeing.
Now that school is done I feel lost. I have had this focus for four years and all of a sudden I have nothing to do. I want to find a job that I can do with rheumatoid arthritis but won’t be so demanding that I end up getting fired because of my limitations. This may sound strange but I have not asked God to heal me. I accepted this illness as my cross to bear and I have done so without hesitation. Am I wrong to look at it that way? More then wanting to find a job I want to find my partner. I have felt like I had to wait until school was over before I could have that. Now I am waiting…and I am scared. I trust God but I don’t trust man. How do you learn to trust again if there is no one to practice on?
So far the men I meet reject me because of how I look or are not healthy people. Is it too much to ask God to bring my partner into my life as I am now? I don’t know if I can change the damage done to my body by the medicines and the lack of movement. I have put on so much weight. I stopped smoking only a few months before I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and then I went through a bout of depression after finding out because I know what it means, I have seen what it can do. I feel unlovable because of it. Do I have to go through the pain to lose the weight, because it does mean pain, alone before I can have what I am asking God for? Can’t I have that person now to stand beside me and support me while I go through it? I am so full of doubt and fear right now, doubt in the world and myself. Would I even recognize the man when he crosses my path. I need God’s strength right now because I have none of my own.
He has given me so much and here I am asking for more. Why can’t I be satisfied with what I have? I have a wonderful son, I have the confidence going to school gave me, and I have the talents God gave me. That should be enough but I am not made to be alone and the longer I am alone the harder I become. The more withdrawn I become. My smile is fading and I used to be one who always had a real one on my face. Being alone is sucking me dry, or a least that is one way to describe how I feel inside. It is fear that is stealing my peace. I need to get that out of my life again. Part of getting rid of fear is acceptance of what is and what will be. That is what I need help with. Pray for me, please.  | 
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