Dear Kweig,
You wrote:
“The question that I would like the answer to is: When we get back together, is Tom ever going to be able to strive to get healthier as a person, or am I always going to be doing all the work in the marriage, and making all the compromises so that he won't leave? Am I going to have to do this so that he's, what he considers happy? He has in the past told me that I want things to be my way, and I said that I didn't. I had told him that if we were to do the thing exactly like I wanted it, this in itself would not make me happy, as if he was not happy with the decision, then I would not be happy because of that!!! I told him that I just wanted him to compromise so that both of us were happy!!! I have lovingly tried to gingerly get him to compromise.
Dear Heartbroken, If I remember right, your a guy, is there something that I need to know that i'm just not getting, because men, and women think differently? Am I doing something wrong that I don't see? I know that sometimes I do tell him when he's hurting me, and maybe I don't give him time enough to make any changes, as he has told me so! This all comes from the hurt, and the fear that things will go south, as in the past!!!”
You and Tom are in my prayers. I have read some of the past blog entries and can only give Praise to God for the work he is doing in your life. As for your questions I’ll do my best and would like to send you an e-book which may help you better understand some of what I am trying to say.
Only God and Tom know if he is going to be willing to work on being a “healthier person”. The fact is that it is very difficult for anyone, male or female to look at their faults and try to change. While it may be that one person has to take the initiative at first, at some point Tom has to step up to the plate. A marriage where one person is making all of the compromises for the other person’s happiness is not healthy and will build resentment. You are right in trying to encourage him, but ultimately the decision is his. Don’t try to manipulate him into compromise. We can not be responsible for another person’s happiness.
As far as Men and Women thinking different and what you are missing: I wish I had the answer to that, you are right we think different. In fact not all men think in the same way. Some are more reserved, some more controlling, some walking in selfishness, others in humility. In general I think that Men are more likely to be problem solvers and approach things in that way. We often times don’t hear what our wife is saying unless we are made to listen by circumstance. In other words: I didn’t hear my wife or her un-happiness with our marriage until she said it was over. I had no idea that it was that serious. She too spent her time making compromises, not speaking up, and allowing the wall to be built between us. All to “keep the peace”
It is possible that there are control conflict issues in your relationship with Tom. I am listening to a CD series on this subject and am getting a lot out of it. It is for both controlling and being controlled spouses, and is by the same author as the e-book I’ll send you. I only say this because it is something I have been accused of and again had no idea of it being a factor in our marriage until I started really looking at myself. You may also be dealing with self esteem issues that cause you to over analyze and worry about things that may not happen and you have no control over. I constantly have to remind myself that God, not me, is in control.
I don’t have the answers, but I am getting a lot out of the following resources:
The Bible, by well….. GOD
Desperate Marriages, by Gary Chapman
Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas
Keep your marriage, by Nancy Wasson, Phd
Overcome Control Conflict with your spouse or partner, by Nancy Wasson, Phd
I will continue to lift you up in prayer. Thank-you for praying for us, I think that she is slowly starting to open her heart to forgiveness and is at least talking to me without hate. Still a long way to go, but I am trusting in the Lord.
**Father I lift up Kweig and Tom to you. I ask that you would give them peace in the middle of this storm. Lord you are in control and only you can cause us to truely change. I pray that you would give Kweig and Tom both the desire to look at themselves through your eyes. That they would allow you to mold them into the person pleases you and in doing so, becomeing the partner that their spouse needs. Amen
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